life update !!

i dont even know what to write

got my period after it was a month late

threw up twice n am bleeding heavily

she wants to have a sleepover

is she gonna ask me out ?

ofc she wont u idiot

i have so much to do

i hate it here

sorry for the mini vent im js not in a good headspace rn </3

halloween costume ideas !!

hiii, if ur like old me, halloween is approaching and you have no idea what to dress up as... but worry not !! im here to try save the day angel <3

so here are some non basic costume ideas ⊹ ࣪ ˖ ໒꒱

1. sacrificial lamb <3

now this was trending last year, but it's a banger costume !! 

all u need is a white dress, lamb ears (u can diy them if ur broke-) and accessories !! 

i'm doing it this year for a halloween event, so we will be matching <3 

extra stuff to add is for example leg warmers, fluffy hand warmers, a pentagram necklace, black eye contacts, lace or bandages wrapped around ur arms n legs, a lamb hat instead of ears and ofc sum sfx makeup !! now im gonna do a gorey slit throat, but even a red pentagram on ur forehead w sum paint works <3

i have a backstory for mine, basically a village sacrifices a lamb in the forest to a hungry demon to keep it at bay, they slit it's throat and leave it, it wakes up after a few hours and crawls back to the village to take revenge 

2. haunted doll !!

also doing this costume this year- 

now this is also pretty simple,

a babydoll dress, mary janes n cute socks (if u have them) and tights w doll like knees etc (u can also paint these on ur skin or a basic white pair of tights !!) add a ribbon necklace n other jewellery, blue eyeshadow n dramatic lashes and ur done !!

im gonna add a thrifted doll to carry around, white eye contacts n sfx cracks in my face + a bonnet lace head accessory thing <3

and ofc u can add anything creepy n cute to urs !! like a two headed plushie, axe etc <3

3. fluttershy <3

me n my friends r gonna cosplay the mlp group n im gonna be fluttershy, but it would work as a costume too !! plus u can do a duo / trio etc with it and have ur friends be the others !!

u dont need a pink wig btw !! a yellow cardigan, pink top, white skirt n green accessories would work !! u can diy sum ears (and wings) n thats it !! if you have the money a wig would add a lot of whimsy <3

4. cecilia lisbon !!

this is prob the most niche one and simple one !!

doing this for the halloween party im hosting <3

all u need is a white mini dress w lace, bandages around ur wrist w lots of bracelets !! you could add a cute simple necklace n makeup, or go the more scary route and make it look like you got impaled like her !! i have a super cute unicorn necklace and am gonna do cute white shoes w cute socks !! 

thats all my cute niche costume ideas <3 

happy halloween ⊹ ࣪ ˖ ໒꒱

my experience as a jane doe

so this “trend” might be over when i post this but it’s important, and if can help just one person out there, it’ll be worth it.

big tw for sa, rape, sh n sui mentions

in 2019, my family moved to a more country side spot one hour outside the big city. leaving behind the toxic situation i was in with my friends back there.

didn’t take long for me to be in a bad situation again tho, as a 9 yr old, i was confused.

i had a best friend who was super controlling n manipulative, which we were js children ik but i snap her sometimes and she’s still the same..

after a year or two she introduces me to a guy two years older from our school and we all start hanging out. i did get bad vibes from him since he was racist n would show us gore pics etc, but i didn’t want to seem rude so i kept hanging out with them, he was funny. tried to order sushi to the school once-

soon my bestie started making jokes about me n him in a sexual way, which i didn’t always understand.

theres a word in swedish called “knulla” which i didn’t know what it meant at the time as u will see later on but now i know it means have sex / fuck.

and getting attention from a boy ofc excited me, what pre teen doesn’t want a bf ?

my school had this after school club where kids would stay if they’re parents couldn’t pick them up yet due to work, and there would be snacks, boardgames n activities planned sometimes, like movie nights.

during the school club us three would often sneak into an empty classroom n hangout, one vivid memory i have is when they wanted to roleplay, and decided on a prince who would ride a horse n then they would fuck ?? i was very uncomfy but thought its okay cuz its a game and i wasn’t gonna be a part. the og idea was for my bestie to be the prince riding the horse, aka him. they randomly switched and started pressuring me to be the prince but i thankfully panicked n said no and left.

now to that day,

gosh im shaking writing this

i was 11, he was 13 or 14.

the school club was having a movie night, and me and my bestie were watching the movie when he approached us, asking to hangout in a classroom. my bestie didn’t wanna since she liked the movie and he asked me, and as a ppl pleaser i said yes.

i follow him in to the classroom and he’s by the whiteboard, looking at smth written on it. i stand about a meter behind him in awkward silence until he turns to me asking,

“is it true you want to knulla with me?” aka have sex with him.

i now know what it means but back then i didn’t, so i js laughed nervously, which i guess he took as a yes.

i don’t remember much but i know he did that to me, and how i didn’t fight back. sometimes i blame myself saying it wasnt rape, since i didn’t stop him, but i was clear i didn’t want to.

afterwards is a daze to me, but i guess i got picked up and went home, my next memory being showering until my skin wash red, scratching my skin trying to make it go away, that feeling of disgust in me.

now don’t come for my parents, they’re amazing n caring, but during this period of time they were taking a break since my moms dad was in the hospital and it was a stressful time for them.

and i didn’t tell them.

after this we (me n my bestie) kinda stopped hanging out w him and he found two other girls to be friend.

i felt like i had lost control over myself n my body.

i started making out w ppl and got hypersexual.

for years i kept silent.

terrified of every man i saw in public,

terrified of my own dad,

my brother,

strangers,

my class mates,

every man or boy i saw made me panic.

so i only kissed girls, wanting to feel loved even if it was just lust.

i moved around that time too to a diff country,

stopped being w ppl since i didn’t know anyone,

and started to sh n other stuff.

at 14 years old, i finally told my friend.

she had been thru similar stuff and after hearing my fav podcaster open up about her being raped i felt like i should too.

my friend didn’t rlly comfort me much but it was still something.

i told my mom too, she was shocked, but was amazing about it. after i attempted and ended up in a mental hospital it got reported to the police, but since i didn’t remember his name or anything about him, trying to forget it for years ruined my memory of it. and i did not want to talk to the male workers who were supposed to get info to report to the police, it got put down.

i hope he hasn’t hurt anyone else, but he probably has.

i now feel comfy around my dad and brother, have been friends w guys but still refuse to go out in public since every time i do, i get catcalled, groped or followed.

but i still wish i had told someone sooner sometimes, what if cuz of me not reporting he’s hurting other girls ?

so if ur reading this, pls report.

i know it’s hard and unfair, u didn’t deserve this. nobody does. but he’s still out there, possibly hurting others. i know the justice system is ass, but pls try. and talk to someone, a friend, parent, teacher, therapist or someone online. the jan broberg foundation for example, or a random online friend <3

that’s my story, i hope it helped someone.

pls take care of urself and stay safe angel <3

 

frosting and sprinkles or cuts and blood ?

tw sh, sui, eds !!

when the universe blesses me w creativity to write i write. this is gonna be an article on how topics like sh, ed’s and sui have been romanticised thru media etc !!

so what do i mean by “frosting n sprinkles or cuts n blood ?”

well it’s pretty self explanatory but basically the romanticised part is “frosting n sprinkles” and the reality “cuts n blood”, and how some might not be able to separate the romanticised side from the dark reality. how some push the romanticised side on media even if they don’t realise and how harmful that can be to young impresionable girls (or any other gender !!) including me.

why do some romanticise it and how ?

i don’t know if they realise what their doing but i hope they realise some day and heal. examples of this is like on tumblr theres sooo many post w hashtags like #cvtting is silly #older men do it better and #thinspo etc, and usually the posts have disturbing pictures ( sh, sexual stuff, nudes and dangerously thin ppl who r clearly not healthy ) and it can be soooo triggering !! i once out of curiosity searched up sh on tumblr and saw all these posts w pictures after pictures of sh and i couldn’t stop scrolling, it triggered me so bad that i relapsed after months of being clean. so i can’t imagine how others could get triggered and what that could cause them to do. how has mental health has become a competition these days? which is so crazy !! i can’t say i haven’t bragged about being injured when i was younger but i stopped, bc i saw how that affected others and had a friend who trauma dumped and sent pics of her sh and how triggering that was to me.

theres so much online that (indirectly or not) triggers and encourages others to do harmful things to themselves and others online and in person.

i mean take ariana grande as an example, at first i felt bad and worried for her but it’s gotten to a point. young adults and teens (like me) see her and its encouraging ppl that they should try look like that since ariana says thats her healthiest body she’s had, which isnt true !! i’m not trying to comment on her body or make her feel bad but she has so many young fans who look up to her and are now using her as #thinspo, and she must know about it !! its irresponsible of her as a big public figure known by most. and i understand if her company and media is making her feel insecure and stopping her from eating properly, she’s been in the spotlight for so long it must’ve affected her as a child too but still, stop telling ur fans that ur healthy when ur not </3

thoughts ?

and for me i still sometimes think that being thin and sh is whimsy n cute, which it’s not !! i’m on a healing journey but seeing all these things make me feel like i should just get worse again, which i slowly am, and this is probably affecting that and causing it a bit at least.

i know this is a heavy subject but it’s so normal these days and it’s not okay, i don’t mind when things / people r harming me but when it’s affecting others like me i get protective and want them to js be okay </3

so if ur struggling u can always message me (or chat in my substack’s chat !!) and i’ll try respond as soon as possible <3 ik talking to adults or friends or a therapist can be hard especially if u don’t want to heal right this moment. if u try talk to someone they usually push u to try heal, but the only way to heal is if u want to. so u can always talk to be n i wont judge or pressure u, i’ll js listen, even if u don’t wanna talk about whatever’s bothering u. we can js yap n have fun <3

thank you for reading my random thoughts, remember to take care of urselves angel ⊹ ࣪ ˖ ໒꒱