my experience as a jane doe

so this “trend” might be over when i post this but it’s important, and if can help just one person out there, it’ll be worth it.

big tw for sa, rape, sh n sui mentions

in 2019, my family moved to a more country side spot one hour outside the big city. leaving behind the toxic situation i was in with my friends back there.

didn’t take long for me to be in a bad situation again tho, as a 9 yr old, i was confused.

i had a best friend who was super controlling n manipulative, which we were js children ik but i snap her sometimes and she’s still the same..

after a year or two she introduces me to a guy two years older from our school and we all start hanging out. i did get bad vibes from him since he was racist n would show us gore pics etc, but i didn’t want to seem rude so i kept hanging out with them, he was funny. tried to order sushi to the school once-

soon my bestie started making jokes about me n him in a sexual way, which i didn’t always understand.

theres a word in swedish called “knulla” which i didn’t know what it meant at the time as u will see later on but now i know it means have sex / fuck.

and getting attention from a boy ofc excited me, what pre teen doesn’t want a bf ?

my school had this after school club where kids would stay if they’re parents couldn’t pick them up yet due to work, and there would be snacks, boardgames n activities planned sometimes, like movie nights.

during the school club us three would often sneak into an empty classroom n hangout, one vivid memory i have is when they wanted to roleplay, and decided on a prince who would ride a horse n then they would fuck ?? i was very uncomfy but thought its okay cuz its a game and i wasn’t gonna be a part. the og idea was for my bestie to be the prince riding the horse, aka him. they randomly switched and started pressuring me to be the prince but i thankfully panicked n said no and left.

now to that day,

gosh im shaking writing this

i was 11, he was 13 or 14.

the school club was having a movie night, and me and my bestie were watching the movie when he approached us, asking to hangout in a classroom. my bestie didn’t wanna since she liked the movie and he asked me, and as a ppl pleaser i said yes.

i follow him in to the classroom and he’s by the whiteboard, looking at smth written on it. i stand about a meter behind him in awkward silence until he turns to me asking,

“is it true you want to knulla with me?” aka have sex with him.

i now know what it means but back then i didn’t, so i js laughed nervously, which i guess he took as a yes.

i don’t remember much but i know he did that to me, and how i didn’t fight back. sometimes i blame myself saying it wasnt rape, since i didn’t stop him, but i was clear i didn’t want to.

afterwards is a daze to me, but i guess i got picked up and went home, my next memory being showering until my skin wash red, scratching my skin trying to make it go away, that feeling of disgust in me.

now don’t come for my parents, they’re amazing n caring, but during this period of time they were taking a break since my moms dad was in the hospital and it was a stressful time for them.

and i didn’t tell them.

after this we (me n my bestie) kinda stopped hanging out w him and he found two other girls to be friend.

i felt like i had lost control over myself n my body.

i started making out w ppl and got hypersexual.

for years i kept silent.

terrified of every man i saw in public,

terrified of my own dad,

my brother,

strangers,

my class mates,

every man or boy i saw made me panic.

so i only kissed girls, wanting to feel loved even if it was just lust.

i moved around that time too to a diff country,

stopped being w ppl since i didn’t know anyone,

and started to sh n other stuff.

at 14 years old, i finally told my friend.

she had been thru similar stuff and after hearing my fav podcaster open up about her being raped i felt like i should too.

my friend didn’t rlly comfort me much but it was still something.

i told my mom too, she was shocked, but was amazing about it. after i attempted and ended up in a mental hospital it got reported to the police, but since i didn’t remember his name or anything about him, trying to forget it for years ruined my memory of it. and i did not want to talk to the male workers who were supposed to get info to report to the police, it got put down.

i hope he hasn’t hurt anyone else, but he probably has.

i now feel comfy around my dad and brother, have been friends w guys but still refuse to go out in public since every time i do, i get catcalled, groped or followed.

but i still wish i had told someone sooner sometimes, what if cuz of me not reporting he’s hurting other girls ?

so if ur reading this, pls report.

i know it’s hard and unfair, u didn’t deserve this. nobody does. but he’s still out there, possibly hurting others. i know the justice system is ass, but pls try. and talk to someone, a friend, parent, teacher, therapist or someone online. the jan broberg foundation for example, or a random online friend <3

that’s my story, i hope it helped someone.

pls take care of urself and stay safe angel <3